Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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