No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
