I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
