the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
