just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
