No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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