I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
