There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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