She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
