I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
