i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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