dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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