and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
