I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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