Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
