i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
