you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
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