The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Found your dick twin last night
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize