she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
