Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
