I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
