Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I think I am morally bankrupt
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Randomize
