if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
