why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
