There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
