Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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