yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize