my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
