Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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