mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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