I just pynch a tree in the face
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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