For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
