She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
