I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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