No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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