Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
