i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
