summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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