why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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