I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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