So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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