Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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