I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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