Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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