sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Randomize