your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
