A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
