Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
We talked him into tasing himself.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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