just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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