I'm lost and stupid without you.
it hurts more in the daytime
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
