roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
