i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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