Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize