That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
