Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
