the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
