Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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