That's when you crack a 10am beer
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
