guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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