I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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