i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize