i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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