i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
